Wednesday, May 4, 2011

word vomit

I know I use that phrase a lot. It seems to be once everything gets built up and then just explodes out. So, here we go again...

April 28 marked two months. It was a yucky day. It had been a yucky week with Zeke feeling bad and then Ben running a high temp. I was already kinda strung out to begin with anyway. Then the day came and passed and I grieved alone.
Saturday would have been 20 weeks for my pregnancy. Instead of celebrating being "half way there", I was reminded very much that I am not.
Some of our friends who are due around our due date found out what they are having now. And I do truly celebrate with them, but at the same time I can't help but feel a twinge of sadness.
If I had kept my schedule of dr appts on Wednesday, then today I would be having that fun appointment filled with anxiety and excitement.
It has become more difficult to see pregnant people. I think this is because I have been here an know what my body would be feeling and looking like.

I am not trying to get sympathy from people or make people feel bad in any way. I don't want someone to feel bad they are pregnant and I am not. I definitely don't want people to not want to be around me because of any of this. I am really just wanting to put these things out there as a way to educate people. I continue to feel like I need to apologize for my ignorance when friends have lost a baby. As a way to try to help people who were once like me, that is why I write some of these things. I do apologize if I have stepped on your toes a bit today. Come back tomorrow and I will have up cute pictures again.

1 comment:

Catherine said...

Praying for you, Courtney!