Right Now

I want to be very honest on this blog. I want to be as real as possible. We are not really sure how to get through this. We are taking things moment by moment. We have good days and bad days. I am trying to sort through all the feelings that I have right now. My hormones are insane and all over the place. I have moments where I feel completely out of control. I still cry at times uncontrollably. I am still having dreams, so I am not sleeping well. (this of course doesn't help with everything else) I still have days where I just feel very blah all day. And of course there are always reminders of life moving forward when I just want it to be frozen at times. We have had some hurtful things said to us. I know that people are really trying to be helpful, but some of them have just been hard. I am not going to say the specifics because I don't want to hurt any one's feelings. I do want to caution people to think through what you are going to say. I know from both sides that it is hard to know what to say in these kinds of situations. I know what it is like to not know what to say, so trust me on the "sometimes it's better not to say anything". Here are some guidelines for when you are trying to figure out what to say: Don't try to offer explanations for why this has happened. Don't offer unsolicited advice, but do offer yourself as a willing person to process this with. Treat this loss in the same way you would any other child's death, it is the same as losing a baby that is 3 months old (or other ages). Spence is really good about reminding me to be gracious in these situations. And I am working on it. If I have responded in an ungracious way to you, please know that I do not mean to be harsh and I am sorry. For every accidental hurtful thing we have had said, we have had 3 or 4 kind things said. This has really helped. A couple of these have been a sweet salve to our very open wounds. Women who have told me that my blog was the words they couldn't find when they have gone through this. People who have told me that they woke up in the middle of the night with a burden to pray. People who have encouraged us that we are grieving well and in a God honoring way. I am not saying these things to bring glory to myself. I am not trying to be the best at blogging through grief or win an award for having the most people praying for me. Our ultimate prayer is that our baby's death will bring other's to the saving knowledge of our savior. We have some people very dear to us that do not have a personal relationship with the Lord. It actually hurts me that they may never get to meet our sweet girl (if you didn't know, Spence and I decided she was a girl. We have picked out a name, but I have a sweet way to share it and that will be coming soon). No, I don't want anyone rushing to an alter call because they want to meet my child. I want them rushing to the arms of the Only One who can save us from all our hurts. I want them to desire being held by our God who is Mighty to save. I want people to see that I am yearning more for Jesus than ever before because I have been greatly confronted with my need for Him. I would love to talk to you more about how we have found comfort in the cross. Some verses (yes, I am still adding to our verses that are plastered all over our house) that are really helpful right now:

• Rev 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."


• Isaiah 25:8 "He will swallow up death forever;and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces"


• Ps 119:28-30 "My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law! I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me."