Yes, I do realize it is half way through the month. But this is what has run through my head many times a day. September is when Rae was supposed to be born. If she had been born 22 days early (like Ben, I know not likely, but still) she actually would have been born on Spence's birthday. So, really since August 27, I have been thinking a lot abot her. But today, I know for sure that she would be here by now. Today was her due date.
My arms ache. My heart hurts. It truly feels like something is missing. I'm not sure you can understand it. I don't really understand it myself. While I am so thankful and blessed with our two boys and with our baby that is growing right now, I can't help but still be sad for our baby waiting on us in heaven. (yes, at times I even feel guilt for missing Rae while I am pregnant again) Please do not take this as I am not healing from our loss. I am. I really am in such a great place. I haven't been angry with God at all. I am anxious for Christ's return. I am ready to be in heaven worshipping our God who gives and takes away. Who works everything for His glory and for my good.
Truly, I would not wish this on anyone. But through this experience I have gained closer friendships. I have gotten to know God on a level that I had never known. My husband has become more than I ever imagined. I love him in a way I can't even begin to explain. I value our two boys so much. Even on the bad days, at the end of the night I peek in their rooms with tears in my eyes at how much I just love them. I have met people and been ministered to by people I have never even met. I have been blessed to be able to share our story, and even better, how we fit into God's bigger story.
So, it is September. And I may be a little sad at times this month. But I want to let everyone know we are still working through our loss. I still cry often. I still wonder what our life could have been like right now if things had gone differently. But the most important thing is that I still have hope.