This is going to be one of those word-vomit posts. You know, where I am basically uncensored and really just bare all. I am still pretty raw, so this post shows that. If you are here looking for cute pictures of the kids, I am sorry. Come back soon, I promise this blog will be filled with ridiculous cuteness again.
Here are just some of the things that I have been processing and working through:
I feel broken. My body didn’t do something it was made to do. I feel very similar to how I felt when Spence I dealt with infertility issues. I have been able to discard the lies that creep in. I think that going through struggling to get pregnant before Zeke has helped me with my thoughts.
I feel cheated. I don’t get to feel that sweet baby’s kicks. I don’t get to have the excitement of the “big” ultrasound appointment. I don’t get to fight with Spencer over names. I don’t get to go through labor. I don’t get to see this child grow up with two big brothers and see how the dynamics of our family changes and adapts.
I feel at a loss. I haven’t had any real closure from losing my baby. When someone dies there is typically a funeral or memorial, but when someone miscarries there isn’t anything like that. I haven’t ever thought about it before and to any of my friends or family who has experienced this, I am sorry for not recognizing your loss. Spence and I are working through how we feel that we can get some sort of closure.
I feel blessed. While I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I am not enjoying going through this, I am learning so much about God. It hurts when God is shaping His children, but I have already been able to see things I can learn from my baby. I have been reminded of the fact that this world is temporary. I have been reminded that our God is good and He doesn’t make mistakes. We have been shown so much love from our friends and families through this experience. Thank you to everyone who continues to pray and shower us with love. I truly do not have words to express our gratitude.
I feel hope. Our comfort comes from the knowledge that those that are asleep (1 Thessalonians 4) are with Jesus in heaven. We do not feel hopeless. In the midst of our grief, one of our many prayers has been that we point others to Christ. We could not go through this without the knowledge of our Savior. We would love to talk to you more if you do not have the certainty that comes in Christ. We pray that you would contact us for more information.