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Monday, March 7, 2011

Dealing with our Loss

This is going to be one of those word-vomit posts. You know, where I am basically uncensored and really just bare all. I am still pretty raw, so this post shows that. If you are here looking for cute pictures of the kids, I am sorry. Come back soon, I promise this blog will be filled with ridiculous cuteness again.

Here are just some of the things that I have been processing and working through:

I feel broken. My body didn’t do something it was made to do. I feel very similar to how I felt when Spence I dealt with infertility issues. I have been able to discard the lies that creep in. I think that going through struggling to get pregnant before Zeke has helped me with my thoughts.

I feel cheated. I don’t get to feel that sweet baby’s kicks. I don’t get to have the excitement of the “big” ultrasound appointment. I don’t get to fight with Spencer over names. I don’t get to go through labor. I don’t get to see this child grow up with two big brothers and see how the dynamics of our family changes and adapts.

I feel at a loss. I haven’t had any real closure from losing my baby. When someone dies there is typically a funeral or memorial, but when someone miscarries there isn’t anything like that. I haven’t ever thought about it before and to any of my friends or family who has experienced this, I am sorry for not recognizing your loss. Spence and I are working through how we feel that we can get some sort of closure.

I feel blessed. While I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I am not enjoying going through this, I am learning so much about God. It hurts when God is shaping His children, but I have already been able to see things I can learn from my baby. I have been reminded of the fact that this world is temporary. I have been reminded that our God is good and He doesn’t make mistakes. We have been shown so much love from our friends and families through this experience. Thank you to everyone who continues to pray and shower us with love. I truly do not have words to express our gratitude.

I feel hope. Our comfort comes from the knowledge that those that are asleep (1 Thessalonians 4) are with Jesus in heaven. We do not feel hopeless. In the midst of our grief, one of our many prayers has been that we point others to Christ. We could not go through this without the knowledge of our Savior. We would love to talk to you more if you do not have the certainty that comes in Christ. We pray that you would contact us for more information.

8 comments:

Critcher Family said...

love you courtney... praying for you.. have went through 2 myself.. but not as far a long as you were so I wouldnt know what that is like. All I can do is pray for you and spencer... no words can comfort or make it easier than what you have said yourself. God will use this and am so proud of how he is using you and spencer... I can know that you are true christians and love the LORD... let me know if there is ever anything i can do for you and your family. I know we werent to close growing up (mostly due to age ) but I am and always will be here for you and any of my family. Just let God fill that void for you. Love you... Your cousin Jennifer

Melody said...

Precious friends, I am well aware of the heartbreak that accompanies this loss. I take comfort in knowing that you are surrounded by love and care, but you will mourn the loss of this baby in your own time. There is no immediate fix for this kind of sadness, but with time comes God's healing and He will begin to put the broken pieces back together again.

Chris and I had a beautiful farewell at the beach for our baby. I will be happy to share more of that with you, Court, if and when you are ready. I will treasure that memory forever.

We love you both so very much. We mourn with you and pray for you.

Tara said...

Courtney, I am so sorry for your loss and have been praying for you as you grieve. Thank you for sharing your heart. May God give you perfect peace and comfort in these times.

Stephanie said...

Courtney, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot imagine how you must feel, but I am sure it is a void that is unfillable right now. I am thinking of you! Love, Stephanie

ImaYaYa said...

I love you baby.. I wish I could take away the hurt for both you and Spencer.. I'm here.. when you need me... praying every day for you ...

Windot said...

Thanks for sharing your heart on here!

Jenn & David said...

Continuing to pray for you and your family Courtney. I am thankful that even during this difficult time you feel blessed and you feel hope. Love you!

Jordan said...

Courtney and Spencer, I am so sorry for your loss! I can't imagine the pain and loss you feel. I will be praying for you! love, Emily