A year ago today, my world crashed around me. On Monday, February 28, 2011, Spence and I joined the 1 in 4 pregnancies that end in miscarriage. No, that isn't right. We didn't miscarry, we lost our child. Miscarry is a a word used to describe losing a pregnancy. We lost so much more than that on that day. For me, I lost what I built my security around. Yes, I am a Christian and yes, my security should be in Christ. But to be honest, I had built my identity around being Spencer's wife and Zeke, Ben, and future children's mother. This is not something that I am bragging about and I am not at all saying that I got what was coming to me. I am saying this for other wives and mothers who read this. I pray that we did not lose Rae and then I have learned nothing through it to share with others. God works everything to His good and His glory. Rae has brought Him much glory. I have clung to Him in a way I have not previously. While I will not be able to say I am thankful for losing her, I can confidently say I am thankful to have Christ and to be closer to Him because of her.
This year has been one of the most difficult in our life. I spent from December '10-February 28, '11 pregnant and then we got pregnant again in June. So, in 15 months, I spent 12 pregnant. My hormones and emotions were all over the place (and still are to be honest). I have worked through losing a child, worry over getting pregnant again, rushing to the dr over every little twinge, grieving on Rae's due date, celebrating holidays when I thought we would be holding an infant, having Ellie, and now facing the anniversary of Rae with out feeling guilt of our excitement with Ellie. We have gotten through this year with Christ, each other, our church, family and friends.
One of those friends wrote this. I can not even begin to express how much it means to us. To know that she isn't forgotten has been huge for me. It has been so helpful for the many who have come out and shared their stories with us. Not so that I can sit and compare my loss to yours, but to have others to walk this walk with. So, for everyone who met with me for coffee, prayed with us, brought us a meal, held our hands, and were just there for us we are forever grateful for you.