Right Now

I want to be very honest on this blog. I want to be as real as possible. We are not really sure how to get through this. We are taking things moment by moment. We have good days and bad days. I am trying to sort through all the feelings that I have right now. My hormones are insane and all over the place. I have moments where I feel completely out of control. I still cry at times uncontrollably. I am still having dreams, so I am not sleeping well. (this of course doesn't help with everything else) I still have days where I just feel very blah all day. And of course there are always reminders of life moving forward when I just want it to be frozen at times. We have had some hurtful things said to us. I know that people are really trying to be helpful, but some of them have just been hard. I am not going to say the specifics because I don't want to hurt any one's feelings. I do want to caution people to think through what you are going to say. I know from both sides that it is hard to know what to say in these kinds of situations. I know what it is like to not know what to say, so trust me on the "sometimes it's better not to say anything". Here are some guidelines for when you are trying to figure out what to say: Don't try to offer explanations for why this has happened. Don't offer unsolicited advice, but do offer yourself as a willing person to process this with. Treat this loss in the same way you would any other child's death, it is the same as losing a baby that is 3 months old (or other ages). Spence is really good about reminding me to be gracious in these situations. And I am working on it. If I have responded in an ungracious way to you, please know that I do not mean to be harsh and I am sorry. For every accidental hurtful thing we have had said, we have had 3 or 4 kind things said. This has really helped. A couple of these have been a sweet salve to our very open wounds. Women who have told me that my blog was the words they couldn't find when they have gone through this. People who have told me that they woke up in the middle of the night with a burden to pray. People who have encouraged us that we are grieving well and in a God honoring way. I am not saying these things to bring glory to myself. I am not trying to be the best at blogging through grief or win an award for having the most people praying for me. Our ultimate prayer is that our baby's death will bring other's to the saving knowledge of our savior. We have some people very dear to us that do not have a personal relationship with the Lord. It actually hurts me that they may never get to meet our sweet girl (if you didn't know, Spence and I decided she was a girl. We have picked out a name, but I have a sweet way to share it and that will be coming soon). No, I don't want anyone rushing to an alter call because they want to meet my child. I want them rushing to the arms of the Only One who can save us from all our hurts. I want them to desire being held by our God who is Mighty to save. I want people to see that I am yearning more for Jesus than ever before because I have been greatly confronted with my need for Him. I would love to talk to you more about how we have found comfort in the cross. Some verses (yes, I am still adding to our verses that are plastered all over our house) that are really helpful right now:

• Rev 21:4 "He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."


• Isaiah 25:8 "He will swallow up death forever;and the Lord God will wipe away tears from all faces"


• Ps 119:28-30 "My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word! Put false ways far from me and graciously teach me your law! I have chosen the way of faithfulness; I set your rules before me."

One Month Ago

My world was rocked. One month ago, we faced one of our greatest fears. I really do not have the emotions right now to be able to go into everything I am feeling right now. I will just say this weekend was rough and I am sure today will not be easy. I do not want to fall victim and let a date hold power over me. So, for today I am not going to write a lot. I will soon be totally transparent and try to get everything down here, but it won't be today. Instead I will leave you with Spence's thoughts a couple days ago http://spenceshelton.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/mourning-with-hope-pt-2/ I also encourage you to listen to our pastor's sermon from this past weekend. Just go to www.summitrdu.com and find the most recent sermon, it is from Luke 8:40-56.

I'm not capable, but He is

Here is another wordy, heavy post for ya.

As we have gone through the loss of our child people have been wonderful to us. We have been encouraged and loved on through our grieving in some of the most incredible ways. We have had Scripture prayed over us and quoted to us from friends, family, and even our doctor. This has been our greatest comfort. We know that our baby is in heaven that we will one day meet her. (we do not know the sex of the baby, but Spencer and I feel that it was a girl) We know that our best source of comfort must come from God. Some of the verses that I have drawn from are:

• Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near the broken hearted, He saves the crushed in spirit"
• Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”
• Psalm 55:22 "Cast your burden on the Lord,and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved."
• Exodus 14:14 "The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.."

In the midst of the wonderful things people have said, there has been something that I feel I need to acknowledge. People have commented on how strong I am or how full of faith I am. While this is wonderful to hear, and how I do wish it was true. I feel that I need to let people know where I find my strength and reason for faith. I have to confess I have had many moments recently where I have not completely trusted God. I have not believed that He is good. I haven't thought that He knew what was best for me and my family. I am so weak and so selfish. This is my fleshly, sinful side coming out. But what I have realized through this is that my God is big and He can handle all the junk I throw at Him. He can and does equip me to be able to handle the death of our child. He can and does give me the strength to get out of the bed and take care of our two boys. He has promised He has a plan for me and that it is good. And I am choosing to believe this. Here are some verses that have helped me through these moments of doubt:

• Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength,a very present help in trouble."
• Jeremiah 29:11-13 "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."
• Psalm 119:68 "You are good and you do good."
• Nahum 1:7 "The Lord is good,a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him."
• Psalm 61:3 " for you have been my refuge,a strong tower against the enemy."
• Psalm 84:11-12 "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withholdfrom those who walk uprightly. O Lord of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!"

I know that we will continue to have good days and bad days. I know that it will continue to be hard at times, but I also know that our God is good and I can trust in Him.

I am going to leave you with a quote from this past weekend. In the sermon, our pastor J.D. Greear, said this and it has really rung true for me "You'll never know God is all you need until you realize He is all you have." My prayer is that everyone who reads this will discover that He is all we have and all we need. Please know that Spence and I would love to talk to you more if you have any questions.

Dealing with our Loss

This is going to be one of those word-vomit posts. You know, where I am basically uncensored and really just bare all. I am still pretty raw, so this post shows that. If you are here looking for cute pictures of the kids, I am sorry. Come back soon, I promise this blog will be filled with ridiculous cuteness again.

Here are just some of the things that I have been processing and working through:

I feel broken. My body didn’t do something it was made to do. I feel very similar to how I felt when Spence I dealt with infertility issues. I have been able to discard the lies that creep in. I think that going through struggling to get pregnant before Zeke has helped me with my thoughts.

I feel cheated. I don’t get to feel that sweet baby’s kicks. I don’t get to have the excitement of the “big” ultrasound appointment. I don’t get to fight with Spencer over names. I don’t get to go through labor. I don’t get to see this child grow up with two big brothers and see how the dynamics of our family changes and adapts.

I feel at a loss. I haven’t had any real closure from losing my baby. When someone dies there is typically a funeral or memorial, but when someone miscarries there isn’t anything like that. I haven’t ever thought about it before and to any of my friends or family who has experienced this, I am sorry for not recognizing your loss. Spence and I are working through how we feel that we can get some sort of closure.

I feel blessed. While I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I am not enjoying going through this, I am learning so much about God. It hurts when God is shaping His children, but I have already been able to see things I can learn from my baby. I have been reminded of the fact that this world is temporary. I have been reminded that our God is good and He doesn’t make mistakes. We have been shown so much love from our friends and families through this experience. Thank you to everyone who continues to pray and shower us with love. I truly do not have words to express our gratitude.

I feel hope. Our comfort comes from the knowledge that those that are asleep (1 Thessalonians 4) are with Jesus in heaven. We do not feel hopeless. In the midst of our grief, one of our many prayers has been that we point others to Christ. We could not go through this without the knowledge of our Savior. We would love to talk to you more if you do not have the certainty that comes in Christ. We pray that you would contact us for more information.

One Last Christmas Present

Spencer and I found out we are expecting Shelton baby #3 in January. We are very excited to grow our family to 5 this year!

Here are the facts:

• Due September 17, but doubt that we will make it that far. With Ben's early arrival/crazy delivery, Dr. Brannon said that he will induce me IF I make it to 38 weeks.
• Yes, we do know what causes this, please stop asking us that
• I told Spencer by giving him a present with lots of 3 things- a 3 ring binder, a pack of 3 pencils, a book about 3 frogs, 3 Musketeers bar
• Zeke prayed tonight for the baby and then asked me what kind of baby I am holding
• I am feeling pretty much like trash all the time
• I have already gained weight, my belly is poking out, and the jeans that were falling off of me two months ago are being held together with a hairband
• I am not really liking food at all. When I do want food, Doritos and hot dogs are DELISH